Irreplaceable You

A gasp swept the room like a wave through a football stadium.

As if in slow motion, my brother Harry tossed the toddler, arms spread like angel wings, above his head. Harry laughed gleefully as a spasmodic giggle, part delight, part terror escaped from the little boys’ astonished face.

The watching grownups exhaled long hysterical whimpers until the child was adeptly pluck from the air, spun around like a pinwheel and set safely on his rump in the middle of the room. He immediately wobbled to his feet, held his arms up begging Harry to do it again.

Such rough and tumble play happens over and over again between fathers and grandfathers, sons, daughters and grand kids, as mothers scold, lament and warn about the dangers of this risky behavior. In reality, both boys and girls enjoy physical play over other types of play and fathers are the preferred play-mate.

For so long we have ignored the importance of this father-child bonding ritual and its role in teaching children some of life’s most crucial lessons.

Articles and news stories focus on the consequences of absent, drug, alcohol or work addicted fathers. Even fathers invested in their children are considered secondary parents because it is believed that their parenting behavior is a learned not an innate skill.

It has also been generally accepted that fathers do not possess the profound bonds a child and his mother share. However, hormonal analysis has shown that, when it comes to interacting with each other, fathers and children get their peaks in oxytocin, indicating increased reward, from playing together. The corresponding peak for mothers and babies is when they are being affectionate.

In addition, the boisterous and risky character of father-child play interaction triggers the neurochemical reactions needed to create a strong bond.

Involved Father

In the play interaction, the father teaches the child about the give and take needed in building relationships, peer competence, judgment and dealing appropriately with risk. Being suddenly tossed in the air or tackled to the rug are not just lessons in limits and boundaries, but problem-solving skills that allow youngsters to experience a range of emotions from frustration to joy.

The father’s increased size, strength, and cognitive abilities provide a secure environment for these interactions. Children are offered a chance to rehearse and regulate emotions in a safe, trusted, and supporting relationship as they develop skills that will last a lifetime.

The Human Father

In truth, evolution has primed both fathers and children to conduct this essential bonding
behavior together. Even when their off-springs are young, fathers are teaching crucial life lessons.

We have just not acknowledged it.

Human fathers are among the 5% of mammals who invest in their children. Given the stingy nature of evolution in furthering advancement of the species, especially one requiring complex changes in anatomy, behavior, neurology and physiology, human fatherhood is evidently vital for the survival of our species.

But significantly, father has not evolved to be the mirror to mother. Notorious for abhorring redundancy, evolution does not select for roles that duplicate each other if one type of individual can fulfil the role alone. Rather, the role of the father has evolved to complement the role of the mother.

We can no longer claim that mothering is instinctive and fathering is learned. Play behavior is central to fathering, just as nurturing behavior is essential to mothering.

Human Development

Humans walk upright on two legs and have a proportionately large brain. The small female birth canal cannot accommodate a fully developed human brain, causing babies to be born before they are fully developed and still dependent. Consequently, rather than the three stages of other primates, humans have five life stages: infant, child, juvenile, adolescent and adult.

Even after being weaned, babies still need an adult to feed them. The mother is often involved with other children and does not have the time or energy to completely keep up with a rapidly developing toddler. Any parent will nod briskly in agreement hearing this.

Mother needs help. She turns to her female relatives, friends and family but – doesn’t ask dad. This is not so surprising because cooperation between individuals of the same sex generally evolves before that between individuals of different sex.

About 500,000 years ago, our ancestral brains made another colossal leap in size resulting in a more dependent baby with a need for more energy, fuel and care. Now Mother really needed extra help, preferably someone who was as genetically invested in her child as she was.

And there was Dad. It made sense for Dad to hang around because, without his help, the survival of his child and therefore his genetic heritage, was threatened.

As life marched forward, the adolescent evolved, defining a period of learning and exploration before the distractions of sexual maturity occurred. Mothers, still focused on caring for the next child, could not supply the necessary amount of applied experiences their teenagers needed. Father became a teacher.

Importance of Dads

Fathers are the conveyers of many of the social skills and the niceties of social interaction that are necessary to succeed in our competitive, consumerist society. Knowing the rules of these interactions gives young people substantial head starts, even if it is just dad’s knowledge of how to write a good resume.

Today the father’s role in preparing his child to cope with the world outside the family is increasingly important in confronting the adolescent mental health crisis, suicide and addictions destroying a global society that functions on new social rules, shaped by digital, online lives where privacy and discretion are seriously wanting.

Defining Dad

Not all fathers have the level of involvement they’d like to have, but some 80 per cent of men aspire to become fathers.  I believe it is time we made the effort to get to know who they really are.

We need to expand our definition of a father to include all those who stay around, investing in their children’s emotional, physical and intellectual development, regardless of whether they live with their children or not.

This includes those not defined by their genetic relatedness to their children but because they step up to the plate – the stepdads, social dads, grandfathers, friends, uncles, adoptive parents and boyfriends. Recognizing their contribution will empower fathers to be more engaged in a child’s life, benefiting all of us.

It is important to note that the intrinsic qualities of the relationship such as the quality of the time a father spends with his children have the greatest influence on outcomes, not the extrinsic factors like expensive dinners and gifts.

There seem to be three fundamental aspects of father involvement that form the basis for a positive, supporting father-child relationship. The first is the need for the father to engage with the child in shared interactions followed by availability and accessibility. Paramount is responsibility. An invested father arranges for resources to be available to the child.

Emotional and Social Development

When fathers engage in conversation with their children they tend to ask more questions using who, what, when, where and why. This sort of interchange encourages children to communicate as they answer and respond to the questions, increasing both their vocabulary and their speaking ability.

Opportunely, traits known to contribute to lifelong happiness and success are seen more often among children with involved fathers. For example, they are better at tolerating stress and frustration when problem-solving and more in control of their emotions and impulses.

It goes without saying that fathers who play an active role in raising their kids lighten the load of their partners. Still research to back this supposition is very impressive showing that women who are emotionally supported by their husbands feel better, have better pregnancies, births, breastfeeding experiences and have better postpartum mental health. In addition, involved fathering seems to be linked to stronger, lasting marriages.

Expert findings about involved fathers

According to a report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Dads who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females.

The report further states that Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships.

Irreplaceable Dad

A word of caution; don’t quit when your children start growing up.

Kick it up a notch for both sons and daughters. Add football, basketball, hiking to the agenda but don’t forget trips to a museum or the library. That way you are building relationships for the whole person – emotional stability, social development and physical fitness.

Engaging in constructive and productive activities such as raking the leaves in the yard or doing the laundry kills two birds with one stone as it prompts a sense of responsibility and self-esteem.

Never miss an opportunity to teach your kids or to get involved in their educational undertakings. Reading with and to them or helping with homework will increase their chance for academic success and instill a joy of learning. Fathers who attend parent-teachers meetings make a significant impact on child development.

Summary

The research on fathering is indisputable: Involved Fathers have a crucial role to play in the cognitive, social, and emotional development of their children beginning in infancy and lasting through adolescence and teenage years.

An involved father is engaged, available and responsible as well as supportive, nurturing, affectionate and accepting. It is the way they become strongly attached to their children.

Children are more socially and emotionally developed when their fathers are involved and better able to handle frustration and disappointment. An invested Dad is pivotal in preventing negative behaviors in adolescence and the teen years.

These fathers broaden their children’s cognitive development with critical thinking, independence and motivation skills that will benefit them throughout their lifetimes.

Fathers play a role in every child’s life that cannot be filled by others. This role can have a large impact on a child and help shape him or her into the person they become. A father is a role model and a hero. He is a strong shoulder to cry on and someone to lift you up in your successes.

We need to celebrate the dads who coach baseball, toss footballs, ace volleyball serves, read stories about princesses and shoo away the nightmare beasts.

Epilogue

It has been both delightful and therapeutic to talk about how fathers are uniquely suited to bond with their children by tossing them in the air and wrestling them onto the rug. I am happy to validate the fathering rituals and the attained benefits of my brothers, son and nephews.

Resources
*Carson and Parke, 1996; Lindsey et al., 1997; MacDonald and Parke, 1984
*Cabrera N, Fitzgerald HE, Bradley RH, Roggman L. Modeling the dynamics of paternal     influences on children over the life course. Appl Developmental Sci. 2007;11(4):185-189.
*Pruett, K., The Nurturing Father, New York: Warner Books, 1987.
*Nugent S. Cultural and psychological influences on the father’s role in infant development. J Marriage Fam. 1991;53:475-485.
*Easterbrooks MA, Goldberg WA. Toddler development in the family: Impact of father involvement and parenting characteristics. Child Dev. 1984;53:740-752.
*Snarey, How Fathers Care for the Next Generation, 1993