Author: larsen4301

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The Mystique of Kindness

Shows the importance of being kind
Only one act of kindness and caring can change a person’s life.
Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

In today’s climate of anguished hopelessness, fearless optimism is vital. The current trend is to disdain what you hear; an acknowledgment that it may be fake news, a conspiracy, a ruse or a lie.  

Never doubt that words and ideas can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Mindfulness falters because it is difficult to remain aware of your thoughts and feelings and not be consumed by them. Only a true optimist grasps onto the promise that even if the road is pitted at least it is leading somewhere and when you arrive, someone will be waiting.

It is not easy to ban negative thoughts; tussling with them only makes them worse and struggle brings no joy and rarely any reward.  The best you can do is label them as possibilities and not facts.

Such melancholy thoughts flourish because we are sharing the stage right now with a pandemic determined to engulf the world. Many communities are experiencing panic, fear worry, and suffering.  Stress has been unleashed like a nuclear explosion.

What now? Can this unprecedented time transform the selfish, power-seeking and malicious behavior surrounding us and allow the deeply ingrained instinct to help, support and protect those we care, depend and rely upon to emerge as a united, compassionate and kinder human race? 

I find myself filled with hope at the tenacity, courage and selflessness of all the amazing people who have stepped up, even at their own peril, to put others first. Stepping up to the plate when the game depends on you is not just a difficult choice, it is a brave decision. In the face of hopelessness, it is also the necessary choice if we are to find a balance between belief or despair and hope or fear.

At the same time, we have seen a contagion of kindness that appears to be bonding us as a community, a society and a world. Kindness offers shelter for the wounded, weary from far too many confrontations. Kindness is the golden chain that bonds us together. Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.

Kindness touches life in all its detail. A small kindness can bring a big result but a sincerely ambitious kindness can change the world. Kindness, freely available to all who wish to practice it, vastly increases the effectiveness of your efforts in a way that seems almost mystical.

Let kindness choose what you say, for once your words are said, they cannot be recalled. While many words fall on deaf ears, careless words can wrongly harm someone’s life. Your words, even if intended to be supportive, have consequences if they are misunderstood as a call to arms, an affront or dismissive.

But be aware that silence can be highly unethical – if not dangerous. Silence should not deceive, allowing others to believe what we know for certain is not true. We must speak out in the face of injustice, abuse and wrongdoing. We implicitly know when it is morally unacceptable to remain silent and the moment to stop second-guessing our gut and speak up; to “speak truth to power.”

Don’t assume no one knows the content of the thoughts you conceal in your mind. The quality of your thoughts creates the quality of your life. If your head is filled with positive thoughts, there is no room for hatred. When confronted with injustice, silence is a toxic strategy.

As William Faulkner once said, “Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world … would do this, it would change the earth.”

The appreciation of kindness is the genesis of wisdom.

Those thoughts and deeds instilled as part of you are those that recur over and over until they root deep in your soul, throw out roots that spring up as new formations. Being kind is not a sign of weakness but strength. If you can do a single act of kindness once, you can do it again.

Satiate your relationships with kindness and candor to crowd out conflict. The positive energy of kindness flowing among friends blocks negative energy and prevents harmful vibes from infusing precarious situations. How good it feels to be kind!

Time is randomly elusive, creeping maddingly or accelerating along the fast track. Be cognizant of how you spend each exquisite moment with which you have been so richly blessed. There is so very much for which to live. Whether it’s stinging regrets or joyful triumphs, find the value there, accept it and move resolutely in a positive direction. Shrug off any lingering envy, anger or despair.

Too often we forget to be kind to ourselves. Often, we look, but refuse to see; we listen, but not ever hear; we exist, but never feel. Success is tenuous if we don’t already have our own love, acceptance and compassion. Honor the unique gifts that you alone can give. Life craves for all you have to offer and is waiting for you to plunge into the bona fide experience of living and giving it your all.

Compassion is about giving all the love that you’ve got.

Kindness is intrinsic to us. When we expose vulnerably in moments of fear, we affirm that we are alive and that we are enough. When that happens, we can still the cries and heed the necessities of those around us as kinder, better and more empathetic people. Human kindness strengthens the stamina and toughens the fiber of a free people.

A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.

We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone. Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are. So, the next time you find yourself in that state of fear, confused about which way to turn, don’t stay quiet, don’t suffer in silence! Raise your hand and ask for help. Be honest, keep asking, and don’t give up until you find what you need.

Keep moving instinctively through opening paths toward one another.

One admonition that, if not heeded, can disrupt any advancement and restart past disastrous cycles, dropping us off at the same place of pain and frustration at which we started.

You must listen to what is being said to you. It may be the grace that saves us all.

My wish for you is that you continue to demand equity. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a callous world with your acts of kindness. Continue to permit humor to lighten the burden of your caring heart. To err on the side of kindness is rarely an error. It is never too soon to share kindness, for you never know how soon it will be too late (Ralph Waldo Emerson.)

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates an infinite ripple that will not be depleted of its vitality or strength, but will wear well and be remembered long after the dissonance and din of inequity has faded.

Sing a song of hope. Let everyone write a line and add to the melody.

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Hope Brings Change

Hope itself is like a star — not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

It is only through hope that we can bring the myriad thoughts somersaulting inside our minds into the light and marshal some act that will ignite change. Without hope, we skulk in the dark, unaware that necessary change is slipping out of our grasp.

The darkness is filled with nightmarish truths of pandemics, global warming, soaring medical costs, stolen privacy, declining freedoms and combative justice played out on streets of violence, anger and indifference.

Light fades when we grasp the fact that it is life itself that is in danger and that it is up to us to make sure it prevails. Blindly, we grope for change.

Before you join in the fight to spark revolutionary change, decide whether you want to accept a ticket to watch the spectacle or accept a role in the performance. If we select a seat in the audience, we can sit silently with crossed legs, folded arms and nodding heads as the evolving drama, comedy or mystery unfolds in front of us.

We boo the players that fail to represent us, forget their lines or alter the ending. Yet, if we fail to accept any responsibility for the prose or the proceedings of the players, have we not acquiesced to each scene?

Unless we step on stage, disrupt the supposed parity and become part of the play, we cannot hope to end false hope or foster change. There is scarcely an expectation that the play will improve without external input. If we want to see change, we must be awakened, attentive and prepared to seize it even if it only briefly flickers before us.

Right this very moment you’re experiencing that precious, miraculous state of existence called life. Don’t just sit back and watch the world go by. Get involved. You have the opportunity for so much more if you only seize opportunity and run with it.

 Don’t be troubled that you do not know enough. Be afraid of not learning more.

The true quest for hope and change is neither onstage where temptation and anxiety, spotlighted as fortune or fame, blind our vision. Neither is Hope a spectator with no stake in still being on stage when the curtain falls. 

Hope seeks change in the shadows, backstage and in the rooms where the play is written and refined. That is where you will find the dreamers, the visionaries, the fresh open minds with unsullied spirits that are envisioning things we have yet to imagine.

Nurture them. They may hold the map to new beginnings where embryonic ideologies wait to be birthed.

Hope encourages us to unearth values that hold the power to mend the torn fabric of truth and trust that have punched gaping holes in justice. We are unable to see the complete picture, know the scope of the problem and the tasks that lie before us even though It is likely that the answers are scattered and hidden among the same behavior and endeavors that created the problems in the first place.

The role of some participants is to challenge the this-is-how-it-should-be-done-because-this-is-how-it-has-always-been-done paradigm. Others are content to believe things run smoothly when they give up control—when they allow events to happen instead of making them happen.

The hope we are looking for demands action; it is not a yellow smiley face telling us things are getting better. True hope lets us imagine that if we face reality without any preconceived ideas of how things must work, we can take advantage of this uncertainty to envision how the world could work better.

While critical thinking is an important tool in making change, if hope is not part of the equation, the thinker becomes cynical. The counterpart is that if critical thinking is not blended with hope, thinkers are gullible. We must reconcile between the ideal and the real by cultivating the right balance of critical thinking and hope.

As we have often observed, Americans are good at responding to crisis. However too often, after the crisis subsides, they take their thoughts home to revel in peace and live happily ever after – until the next crisis appears.

Too few actually hang around to work through the details and fully realize not only what has been accomplished, but the ongoing impact the crisis continues to have on society. Attempts to raise consciousness, disprove philosophies and seize opportunities for cultural and economic restructuring are left to flounder and fade, thwarting new hope and warping social change.

Without a good fight, your chances for triumph are slammed. The winner’s path demands an open-mind that acknowledges your fears, anger, grief, guilt and feelings of isolation.

Only when you have set boundaries on what you are willing to do without compromising your integrity should you move onward.

Even when victory is within your reach, know it is not a destination but the starting line to recommit and continue to nourish the ideals that have guided you. It is not the time to quit, but a chance to think of what else could possibly happen and speculate on where it will lead in time.

Paradoxically, you must be simultaneously realistic and unrealistic. You must be realistic in seeing how things really are and unrealistic in imagining all possibilities no matter how implausible they appear. The secret is to stay grounded in reality but refuse to be limited by it.

Live as though every positive thing you do will trigger a chain reaction, the culmination of which is beyond imagination. Life can work like that when you believe without a doubt that you can do it.

We are currently going through an unprecedented time where we must be motivated by hope because the best option open to us is change.

Covid-19 sideswiped the global community and sent it careening across our mundane existence, rousing long buried moral principles, ethics, beliefs, values and standards of behavior that, when we finally right ourselves, have the power to restore our vanishing humanity.

Perhaps God became weary of hearing us say we want change as we tell ourselves there is nothing we can do about it. Weary of our arrogance, self-importance and greed, He has shown us that an invisible strand of RNA can make the whole world come to a standstill and almost instantly refocus our lives.

When each of us must relinquish that which we most treasure, most rely on, what defines us, we are forced to look inward and examine who we really are.

What do we value? What do we cling to that is not serving us? What do we practice that is in our selfish interest that keeps us from reaching out, sharing, sacrificing and offering our love to our brothers and sisters?

When contentious primary elections that have divided families and changed principled individuals into scheming vipers are canceled, sports events that have consumed our leisure cease, restaurants, theaters and churches are shuttered for the good of the many, we must ask ourselves how essential to life and health were they in the first place. Did we give them homage above and beyond their significance?

The invasion of an unknown Virus exposed the human toll of the marginalized, mistreated, those cheated of living with dignity and those that survive by numbing their pain. The pandemic showcased the inequities in health, affluence, privilege, age, race, sex, religion and politics.

Our new normal emphasizes the normalization of generational, moral failures and crimes that have now become so mundane that they barely merit the concern or interest of journalists or raise alarm in jaded communities and neighborhoods.

Our current theories cannot really capture or explain the change that we must now discover. Our situation demands a new solution developed with new data, new perspective and a new understanding of equity, justice and fairness.

We will need completely new semantics, revolutionary vision and unprecedented insight simply to make sense of what the pandemic wrought.

Hope must burn in us, kindling a longing for justice that will move us outward and forward.

Will you buy a ticket and wait for the curtain to fall or will you join the cast, working together to prosper?

The temptation to give up is strongest just before victory. Hold on to the belief that whatever happens always happens on time. Your life is crowded with magnificent possibilities.

Make them happen. Make them yours.

We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are. ~Max Depree

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Life in a Snow Globe

Faith allows things to happen.  It is the power that comes from a fearless heart.  And when a fearless heart believes, miracles happen.

The year reluctantly surrenders the last days of December to the eager attentiveness of another year. If I knew the secret of snow globes this interlude would endure as the epitome of family tradition; that place where joys and dreams live on and on, impervious to harm or decay.

No one can tell you how to find that place but you know exactly where it is and when you are there. When you are truly in that place, you do not merely believe or hope, you are wrapped in a sense of belonging and safety that bolsters the courage necessary to assume risks and to take on the difficult challenges. Your faith, integrity, purpose and veracity empower your sense of survival because you know that there are some things that can never be taken from you, some things you cannot lose.

Like the sharp, sweet, citrus smell of loblolly pine satiating the crisp air as you snap across the lance-shaped needle bundles and crunch the cones under foot, exploring the woods for a flawless Christmas tree. One that spans the width of the front window and brushes lightly against a lofty ceiling, leaving behind hints of sticky resin. The proud evergreen whorls of horizontal branches dangle diaphanous ornaments that sparkle and wink in flashes of seasonal colors to enthrall your heart and spirit.

The sound of nostalgia lingers in semitones of Christmas carols sung together by divas, eager children and tone-deaf innocents whose only wish is to have their elation soar over roof tops and bounce into heaven.

If possible, I would still the hours and, over and over again, savor kisses under the mistletoe, ripped red ribbons flying away from tinseled wrapping to reveal a wish granted, surprised squeals, wide, round eyes, tears of happiness and loving hugs. The blanket tenderly placed on the baby in the manger by a child who knows the bite of cold or the sting of loneliness would remain frozen in time.

What’s so special about nostalgia anyway?

Perhaps it opens your eyes to the riches of being with those you love, opens your heart to the beauty and value of each day, opens your spirit to the privilege of being able to experience joy, opens your faith to the blessings everywhere.

Maybe it cancels the need to acquire or to dominate in order to be happy, unburdens you from the limitations you’ve pirated from others, empties your mind of the fears, doubts, worries and distractions constructed upon each other. Possibly nostalgia lets you be yourself, filled with possibility and the knowledge that all that you need to live life fully is already yours. Steeped in melancholy, you recall memories of what you once believed was possible, longed for and knew could be.

Yet, looking beyond the noise and turmoil of your current thoughts, you may uncover hopes toppled by disillusionment or lost to desperation.

If so, shatter the globe that binds your regrets and let any resentment, anger or disappointment from the past dissolve into nothingness, never to return. Let any anxiety or worry about the future melt away. Do it now to make a positive difference; free yourself.

Look lovingly at where you are, at whom you’re with, at what you’re doing and find a reason to be thankful. Flailing against the darkness will not scare it away. Yet shine your light into its depths and it is no more.

Fighting against your problems makes them stronger and injects them with validity. Instead, transform difficult situations by virtue of your own positive values and efforts. An apropos quote from Herman Hesse tells us Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

The more profoundly you appreciate something in your life, the more value you give to it. Graciousness truly opens your eyes to the incredible abundance that is all around and tempts you to take advantage of the special magic of kindness. Abundance then becomes yours.

Kindness is not a difficult thing to grasp or create. It is freely available to all who wish to indulge in its mystique. Every day you unearth abundant opportunities for kindness, each one overflowing with a value more precious than gold.

Conceivably, you may be fighting against obstacles that don’t even exist, yet hold you back more powerfully than the real problems because they prevent you from taking the first step. This pilfers any incentive to move forward.

Where do your thoughts go when your world becomes silent? What do you do when there is nothing that must be done to fill the moments when nothing is expected of you? Take note of what you most willingly and passionately turn to when you can make any choice. These things hold clues to the passions and purposes able to move you powerfully forward because they suggest that idea or ideal that is truly meaningful for you.

Discount how the rest of the world defines success for the success defined by what you treasure is the only success you will conquer. The courage to move forward depends largely on the things you value most in your life. If you don’t already know the value of your most precious treasures, discover, define and understand their significance. Then, give them life.

When you place the greatest value on fleeting, shallow, superficial possessions, you’re constantly at risk of losing it all. Money and material possessions are expedient and can bring a certain richness to life. However, belongings can quickly disappear. Yet if you allow the value of your life to be defined by them, you’re building on wobbly ground.

Traditions that linger and stand the test of time are meaningful, have intrinsic value and tell a story of unity, character, integrity and love that flourishes beyond place and age.

The very best traditions come from ordinary moments. It is not so much what transpires that makes life worthwhile. Rather, it is what you do with it. Some folks are wretched even in the most stimulating, luxurious surroundings, while others find wonder and magic in the most common, routine circumstances.

They know that there are real miracles just waiting to be revealed and if they rely on some extraneous outside factor, even if they attain happiness, they will be frustrated by the sense of emptiness it brings.

But, before famished time completely erodes the dying year, there is still time to solidify the wonders of your holiday and plant them carefully in this year’s snow globe. Pack them carefully with the comfort of family, the camaraderie of neighbors, friends and people that flit through your days, anticipating that next year they will be more than strangers.

Enclose your treasures, old and new, with a heavy coating of love and kindness and save room for the amazing plans you have made, the visions you dream of and the joys you will relish.

Just think of all there is still waiting: the turkey and stuffing, mincemeat pie, cranberry sauce and chilled bottles of wine to sip. Santa Claus and stockings waiting to be filled. Christmas mass and glorious hymns.

Walks after sunset to ogle the inflatable, people-eating-sized snowmen, reindeer and elves that threaten to crush rooftops and topple porches. There are certainly tasteful light shows that illuminate the sidewalks with cheer and yards popping with every imaginable icon, figurine or ornament designed this millennium.

It seems dicey that we will stuff all the many cherished traditions into the miserly pocket of time still remaining but, should you choose to accept the mission, I believe you can do it.

For my part I have to admit, I accept more missions than I should, probably because about many things from incredible to impossible, I simply Believe.

Oh, Holy Night

 

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Your Soul Has a Song to Sing

Roll with the punches and enjoy every minute

More than anything else, I want to be happy. I would be surprised if that were not among your most treasured goals as well.

The quest for sublime happiness is pervasive. It is the snare set by merchandisers to trigger a yearning for their anti-aging lotion, irresistible perfume, figure perfecting camisoles and dazzling white-smile cream. Consumers are hypnotized by the clever, innovative and overwhelming content that confirms the futility of living without their touted product.

When happiness evades expectations, the hopefuls do not abandon pursuit but reach for the next wonder: wealth, fashion, travel, long life, fame or power. A never-ending quest, especially when you acknowledge that it is all fleeting and can be lost faster than Wylie Coyote can fall off a cliff.

So, what do you need to realize happiness, a happiness that can’t be lost, taken away or stolen?

Perhaps question the wisdom of the underlying assumption that happiness exists in possessions or power and consider that anguish stems from the struggle to capture something without form that can only be felt.

What if happiness is just waiting for us to reach inside our souls and embrace it? Did you just laugh at the naïveté of that thought? If you did it is probably because you are thinking “if it were that simple why aren’t we all blossoming with joy?”

One reason is that we have been duped into believing that happiness depends upon finding something that does not exist. We rub the enchanted bottle and fill in the self-serving magic words of the if-then equation: If I get that promotion, make more money, win the lottery, marry well, buy that house then I will be happy.

Expectantly, we wait for a silver and gold clad genie to rise out of the mist offering us a gilded prize that leads directly to audacious happiness. Have you made the genie’s acquaintance? I didn’t think so.

The irony is that, instead of realizing we are wasting our life pursuing a fairy tale, we conclude that we have selected the wrong if. We amend the means to achieve a newer, smarter outcome and the cycle repeats, reinforcing an outstanding strategy for unhappiness.

This is predictable because we see the world as made up of things. What exists to us exists as objects. Thus, the parameters input into the if-then equation are not at fault – it is the equation itself that doesn’t work. The fallacy is devoting attention to the desired outcome and not the process, without even considering the fact that the outcome is not within our control.

You can however, control the process – the interconnected steps and actions taken over time that create small, frequent changes and expand life’s boundaries.

The process is where you will discover your passion. Your passion is where you will uncover your happiness. The stipulation is to make sure the process takes you where you want to go, not where the rest of the world thinks you should be.

When you connect with your passion, everything changes; acquaintances, conversations, what you read and the movies you enjoy. You are no longer obsessed with getting a big promotion or a hefty raise. You make space and time for your own talents, goals and dreams, spend time with your family, take a vacation and check off a few items on your bucket list.

The epiphany is to acknowledge the world as it is and accept its preordained chaos.

Rainbows are not always perfect arcs positioned in the center of the sky, yet mesmerize onlookers with every color in the spectrum. Trees, their leaves clothed in fall colors, clutch rugged slopes at mathematically impossible angles, their branches sheltering tiny sparrows. It is an absolute certainty that the sun is high in the sky at noon even if it is shrouded by darkening clouds.

We gaze at God’s creations, awed by their beauty, perseverance and strength and rarely feel a need to touch them up. We accept them as they are because that is the nature of the universe.

Yet we cannot accept that happiness is already ours for the taking; that at this very moment you have all you need to make life what you want it to be. As humans, our instincts push us to focus on the negative facets of life, avoiding and mitigating potential threats. We continually struggle to change our circumstances and make something happen, buying into the flawed if-then model.

We initiate the cycle by establishing a desired outcome, such as a promotion or a raise. Next, we blindly set off on a journey that repeatedly dissolves into a mindless, desensitizing ritual.

Although self-discipline is commendable and often noble, the journey to success should not depend on deprivation. Most people are unprepared for the sacrifices that suddenly materialize; the many sleepless hours, the toll on relationships, family discord, the cost to physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health, stress and often alienation. It happens that inability to control for outside influences, unexpected circumstances or conflicting plans of indifferent competitors will thwart progress and destroy success.

Be aware that success does not always translate into happiness. A career that you truly enjoy enriches you much more than one you suffer through because it offers a lofty title. The outcome may not be what was anticipated, dreamed of or really wanted in the first place and the quest for happiness dissolves into frustration, blame and disappointment.

It is the process and detours you choose that create the journey.

Do you recall learning to ride a bicycle? Your father attached training wheels that stabilized you as you weaved from one side of the sidewalk to the other. The next day, the training wheels came off and you concentrated on balancing yourself and steering the bike, wondering if you would ever be able to stay upright on a contraption with only two wheels and no safety net.

After a few close calls you shifted your focus from falling and scraping your knee and concentrated on the process. You gave it every single bit you could muster. Your confidence soared and at one point you looked back to see your father standing ten feet behind you.

Your soul sang out.

You were happy because you tried something you had never tried before and conquered it by your own efforts and resolve. At that moment, sharing time with someone or something that made you feel alive, you were aware of life’s pace, tempo and rhythm.

Happiness surfaces when you stop trying to make it all about you and join the flow of energy and consciousness that streams through us all.

What makes your soul sing? Knowing what makes you feel so alive that you want to tap dance through life is central to understanding how to balance unavoidable pressures with inner peace. As our souls shun the toxic people and experiences that hold us captive, we soar to levels where peace is the default.

It is known that the soul flourishes and reveals its authentic essence when it is free to choose without pressure or pretense. It is not a coincidence that great ideas are born exactly when you surrender how you think it should be and embrace what could be.

Even if you claim to be clueless, it is likely your soul already knows what ignites its song. It lies in what you desire such as adventure, freedom, relationships, meaning or purpose in your life. Take a deep breath and listen to what your soul is whispering. What you hear is the amazing wisdom you possess, a power only you can touch.

Trust it. Go with your gut instinct, rely on your intuition and use it wisely.

Avoid getting bogged down by the if-then game. Invest in the process, confident that you have the capacity to make the right move at the right time. Enjoy the journey and rejoice as the pieces fall naturally into place.

Toss aside the impulse to make everything perfect; permit yourself to succeed and prepare to clear a few hurdles. Expect success that will fire up your soul and confirm that you have chosen the right path. That is how we evolve.

Life is a mind-blowing gift whose single prerequisite for being worthy to experience it, is to be alive. Your soul continually craves more because you are capable and worthy of more simply by being here.

Deep down, the soul knows that those things we think are our salvation are things from which we must be shielded if we are to be free to follow something greater than we could ever envision. 

Let your soul sing its song!

How Great Thou Art
O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art

And when I think of God, His Son not sparing
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And lead me home, what joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow with humble adoration
And then proclaim, my God, how great Thou art

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Stuart Keene Hine
How Great Thou Art lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Tratore, Capitol Christian Music Group, Songtrust Ave.

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Irreplaceable You

A gasp swept the room like a wave through a football stadium.

As if in slow motion, my brother Harry tossed the toddler, arms spread like angel wings, above his head. Harry laughed gleefully as a spasmodic giggle, part delight, part terror escaped from the little boys’ astonished face.

The watching grownups exhaled long hysterical whimpers until the child was adeptly pluck from the air, spun around like a pinwheel and set safely on his rump in the middle of the room. He immediately wobbled to his feet, held his arms up begging Harry to do it again.

Such rough and tumble play happens over and over again between fathers and grandfathers, sons, daughters and grand kids, as mothers scold, lament and warn about the dangers of this risky behavior. In reality, both boys and girls enjoy physical play over other types of play and fathers are the preferred play-mate.

For so long we have ignored the importance of this father-child bonding ritual and its role in teaching children some of life’s most crucial lessons.

Articles and news stories focus on the consequences of absent, drug, alcohol or work addicted fathers. Even fathers invested in their children are considered secondary parents because it is believed that their parenting behavior is a learned not an innate skill.

It has also been generally accepted that fathers do not possess the profound bonds a child and his mother share. However, hormonal analysis has shown that, when it comes to interacting with each other, fathers and children get their peaks in oxytocin, indicating increased reward, from playing together. The corresponding peak for mothers and babies is when they are being affectionate.

In addition, the boisterous and risky character of father-child play interaction triggers the neurochemical reactions needed to create a strong bond.

Involved Father

In the play interaction, the father teaches the child about the give and take needed in building relationships, peer competence, judgment and dealing appropriately with risk. Being suddenly tossed in the air or tackled to the rug are not just lessons in limits and boundaries, but problem-solving skills that allow youngsters to experience a range of emotions from frustration to joy.

The father’s increased size, strength, and cognitive abilities provide a secure environment for these interactions. Children are offered a chance to rehearse and regulate emotions in a safe, trusted, and supporting relationship as they develop skills that will last a lifetime.

The Human Father

In truth, evolution has primed both fathers and children to conduct this essential bonding
behavior together. Even when their off-springs are young, fathers are teaching crucial life lessons.

We have just not acknowledged it.

Human fathers are among the 5% of mammals who invest in their children. Given the stingy nature of evolution in furthering advancement of the species, especially one requiring complex changes in anatomy, behavior, neurology and physiology, human fatherhood is evidently vital for the survival of our species.

But significantly, father has not evolved to be the mirror to mother. Notorious for abhorring redundancy, evolution does not select for roles that duplicate each other if one type of individual can fulfil the role alone. Rather, the role of the father has evolved to complement the role of the mother.

We can no longer claim that mothering is instinctive and fathering is learned. Play behavior is central to fathering, just as nurturing behavior is essential to mothering.

Human Development

Humans walk upright on two legs and have a proportionately large brain. The small female birth canal cannot accommodate a fully developed human brain, causing babies to be born before they are fully developed and still dependent. Consequently, rather than the three stages of other primates, humans have five life stages: infant, child, juvenile, adolescent and adult.

Even after being weaned, babies still need an adult to feed them. The mother is often involved with other children and does not have the time or energy to completely keep up with a rapidly developing toddler. Any parent will nod briskly in agreement hearing this.

Mother needs help. She turns to her female relatives, friends and family but – doesn’t ask dad. This is not so surprising because cooperation between individuals of the same sex generally evolves before that between individuals of different sex.

About 500,000 years ago, our ancestral brains made another colossal leap in size resulting in a more dependent baby with a need for more energy, fuel and care. Now Mother really needed extra help, preferably someone who was as genetically invested in her child as she was.

And there was Dad. It made sense for Dad to hang around because, without his help, the survival of his child and therefore his genetic heritage, was threatened.

As life marched forward, the adolescent evolved, defining a period of learning and exploration before the distractions of sexual maturity occurred. Mothers, still focused on caring for the next child, could not supply the necessary amount of applied experiences their teenagers needed. Father became a teacher.

Importance of Dads

Fathers are the conveyers of many of the social skills and the niceties of social interaction that are necessary to succeed in our competitive, consumerist society. Knowing the rules of these interactions gives young people substantial head starts, even if it is just dad’s knowledge of how to write a good resume.

Today the father’s role in preparing his child to cope with the world outside the family is increasingly important in confronting the adolescent mental health crisis, suicide and addictions destroying a global society that functions on new social rules, shaped by digital, online lives where privacy and discretion are seriously wanting.

Defining Dad

Not all fathers have the level of involvement they’d like to have, but some 80 per cent of men aspire to become fathers.  I believe it is time we made the effort to get to know who they really are.

We need to expand our definition of a father to include all those who stay around, investing in their children’s emotional, physical and intellectual development, regardless of whether they live with their children or not.

This includes those not defined by their genetic relatedness to their children but because they step up to the plate – the stepdads, social dads, grandfathers, friends, uncles, adoptive parents and boyfriends. Recognizing their contribution will empower fathers to be more engaged in a child’s life, benefiting all of us.

It is important to note that the intrinsic qualities of the relationship such as the quality of the time a father spends with his children have the greatest influence on outcomes, not the extrinsic factors like expensive dinners and gifts.

There seem to be three fundamental aspects of father involvement that form the basis for a positive, supporting father-child relationship. The first is the need for the father to engage with the child in shared interactions followed by availability and accessibility. Paramount is responsibility. An invested father arranges for resources to be available to the child.

Emotional and Social Development

When fathers engage in conversation with their children they tend to ask more questions using who, what, when, where and why. This sort of interchange encourages children to communicate as they answer and respond to the questions, increasing both their vocabulary and their speaking ability.

Opportunely, traits known to contribute to lifelong happiness and success are seen more often among children with involved fathers. For example, they are better at tolerating stress and frustration when problem-solving and more in control of their emotions and impulses.

It goes without saying that fathers who play an active role in raising their kids lighten the load of their partners. Still research to back this supposition is very impressive showing that women who are emotionally supported by their husbands feel better, have better pregnancies, births, breastfeeding experiences and have better postpartum mental health. In addition, involved fathering seems to be linked to stronger, lasting marriages.

Expert findings about involved fathers

According to a report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Dads who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females.

The report further states that Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships.

Irreplaceable Dad

A word of caution; don’t quit when your children start growing up.

Kick it up a notch for both sons and daughters. Add football, basketball, hiking to the agenda but don’t forget trips to a museum or the library. That way you are building relationships for the whole person – emotional stability, social development and physical fitness.

Engaging in constructive and productive activities such as raking the leaves in the yard or doing the laundry kills two birds with one stone as it prompts a sense of responsibility and self-esteem.

Never miss an opportunity to teach your kids or to get involved in their educational undertakings. Reading with and to them or helping with homework will increase their chance for academic success and instill a joy of learning. Fathers who attend parent-teachers meetings make a significant impact on child development.

Summary

The research on fathering is indisputable: Involved Fathers have a crucial role to play in the cognitive, social, and emotional development of their children beginning in infancy and lasting through adolescence and teenage years.

An involved father is engaged, available and responsible as well as supportive, nurturing, affectionate and accepting. It is the way they become strongly attached to their children.

Children are more socially and emotionally developed when their fathers are involved and better able to handle frustration and disappointment. An invested Dad is pivotal in preventing negative behaviors in adolescence and the teen years.

These fathers broaden their children’s cognitive development with critical thinking, independence and motivation skills that will benefit them throughout their lifetimes.

Fathers play a role in every child’s life that cannot be filled by others. This role can have a large impact on a child and help shape him or her into the person they become. A father is a role model and a hero. He is a strong shoulder to cry on and someone to lift you up in your successes.

We need to celebrate the dads who coach baseball, toss footballs, ace volleyball serves, read stories about princesses and shoo away the nightmare beasts.

Epilogue

It has been both delightful and therapeutic to talk about how fathers are uniquely suited to bond with their children by tossing them in the air and wrestling them onto the rug. I am happy to validate the fathering rituals and the attained benefits of my brothers, son and nephews.

Father and Child Bonding
http://Photo by lauren lulu taylor on Unsplash

Resources
*Carson and Parke, 1996; Lindsey et al., 1997; MacDonald and Parke, 1984
*Cabrera N, Fitzgerald HE, Bradley RH, Roggman L. Modeling the dynamics of paternal     influences on children over the life course. Appl Developmental Sci. 2007;11(4):185-189.
*Pruett, K., The Nurturing Father, New York: Warner Books, 1987.
*Nugent S. Cultural and psychological influences on the father’s role in infant development. J Marriage Fam. 1991;53:475-485.
*Easterbrooks MA, Goldberg WA. Toddler development in the family: Impact of father involvement and parenting characteristics. Child Dev. 1984;53:740-752.
*Snarey, How Fathers Care for the Next Generation, 1993

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